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Each player's turn should be followed by an audible sigh and the phrase: "Bother, I was going to go there."

Use a turntable, unless you want to endure constant complaining from one player about how much harder it is to play upside down.

Choose a trustworthy scorer who can accurately add 17 to 156 in under five minutes.

Buying a dictionary is cheaper than paying for divorce lawyers.

Never play with anyone who knows more than 10 of the 124 officially permitted two-letter words.

Qzjx is not a word – unless it's put down by Granny.

CHESS

Unless you're very bad at chess, nothing ever happens during the first six moves.

If you touch a piece, you have to play it – unless you're under the age of 10, in which case you're allowed to throw a tantrum and play another piece.

A draw can be declared if one player is so bored of waiting for the other to move that he or she lapses into a coma.

You can capture a pawn with the en passant move, which translates into English as: "No, I've never understood that rule either."

Anyone saying: "Oooh, I know just what I'd do if I were you" is penalised by instant forfeiture of the game.

DRAUGHTS

Draughts is a good game for anyone who's never mastered more than 16 per cent of the moves in chess.

CHECKERS

Checkers is a good game for anyone who's American and has never mastered more than 16 per cent of the moves in chess.

TRIVIAL PURSUIT

The object of Trivial Pursuit is to move around the board collecting coloured wedges, answering questions correctly and displaying your superiority over those who know fewer pointless facts about sport than you do.

If unable to answer a yellow history question, despite a degree in the subject, it is quite acceptable to say: "It's not my period."

If you're over the age of 45, you will not like the pink "entertainment" category.

If you're under the age of 45, you will not like the Baby Boomers set.

Remember that while ploughing endless £1 coins into the pub quiz version of Who Wants to be a Millionaire? is a lot more expensive, it is also a lot more fun.

Never play with someone who's had the same set for more than 10 years and has memorised all the answers.

Never play with anyone who's got the Star Wars Classic Trilogy Collector's Edition.

CONNECT 4

Go to Wikipedia and look up the mathematical solution, whereby the first player can always force a win.

Don't use this knowledge too often when playing with your seven-year-old granddaughter.

ARTICULATE

If you fail to describe the answer, always blame the rest of your team for their failure to guess properly.

If your team fails to guess the answer, always blame the person for their failure to describe properly.

Remember that this is not Trivial Pursuit. If the clue "famous building in Africa" yields the "correct" answer "Taj Mahal", so be it.

WHO'S IN THE BAG?

Return the game.

Collect refund.

Use the money to invest in paper, pencils and a bag, and play your own version of the game.

BATTLESHIP

Dust off the cobwebs.

Take to charity shop.

Turn on Xbox.

CLUEDO

Cluedo is the perfect nostalgic murder game for those who prefer Miss Marple to Scandi-Noir.

Do say: "I suggest it was Colonel Mustard, in the billiard room, with a candlestick."

Don't say: "It was Kieron wot did it, in the front room, with a baseball bat, but I couldn't see properly because of the energy-saving light bulb."

PICTIONARY

Never play with anyone who has been to art college. Their drawings will be beautiful, but it will take the full 60 seconds for them to capture the exact shade of light on the stick man's left hand.

CHARADES

Never play with anyone who's been to drama school.

RACING DEMON

Sharpen elbows.

Complain that you've got a sticky pack.

Turn cards over noisily.

Ask repeatedly whether aces count high or low.

Knock over the table when losing.

POKER

Wear dark glasses.

Pretend that you're in Vegas, not at someone's parents' flat in Fulham.

Call it a "boys' night".

Drink too much.

Lose all your matchsticks.

Remember that they were worth only 2p each.

TWISTER

Spread the sheet on the floor with the coloured side up.

Find two players who've taken a shine to one another.

Ignore the spinner.

Make up the moves in order to put the players in as many awkward positions as possible.

RISK

Ideal for those who find Monopoly too parochial and too quick, Risk is a game about world domination, invented by a Frenchman for those with Napoleonic tendencies.

Make allies and then stab them in the back. Don't forget to stab them in the front and the sides as well.

Never play with anyone of whom you're more than marginally fond.

Remember the importance of Blitzkrieg. Like Hitler.

Try to finish before 4am.

MONOPOLY

Fight over who will be the dog.

If you land on a property, you can take out a mortgage through the help-to-buy scheme, the Government's latest attempt to re-inflate the property bubble.

If you land on Mayfair, you can squat until the absentee Russian oligarch returns in 2016 to pay his mansion tax.

Go to jail. Go directly to jail. Do not pass Go. Do not collect £200. Wait until you're released after serving half your sentence and can sell your memoirs.

The bank never goes broke, just like in real life. The banker can, however, go to jail.