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"I wouldn't go anywhere near the railways if I were you," I said. "You'd end up having to get the train back and forth to work every day, like me."

"What's wrong with that?"

I sighed. "It's OK sometimes I suppose," I said. "But when there are delays, and when you're stuck next to somebody annoying – which happens pretty much every week – it can be a sort of prison sentence." He laughed, louder than I expected.

An elderly couple got on, fresh from Royal Ascot. They looked like they were on their last legs, and the lad and I gave them our seats. He went and stood in the vestibule, where he made friends with two girls of around his age who were sitting cross-legged on the floor. I ended up standing in the aisle and speaking to the elderly couple. They were so loquacious, made so little sense, and spoke at such low volume, that I was condemned to endless polite head-nodding. Out of boredom, I tuned in to the conversation in the vestibule.

"I'm just really interested," a girl was saying. "I've never met anyone who has been… who has been there before."

"It's alright really," replied the lad. "The food is actually OK. You're allowed to wake up really late, at 11, which is dead late innit? These days I get up at six. Then you have breakfast and that."

"It actually sounds quite nice."

"It's not bad. It was a shock though, like. I got sent down the day before my birthday. I've been inside twice actually. You spend a lot of time in your cell watching TV. There are TVs everywhere." He broke off and made his way on sea legs towards me. "Excuse me mate," he said, "will you open my other beer please?"

I took the bottle and popped it open. Then, as he was about to return to the girls, I stopped him

"Look," I said, "about what I said before. I didn't mean… you know, I didn't mean… it's not actually like prison. The train, I mean."

"You're telling me, mate," he replied, and raised the bottle. "Cheers," he said.

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